Sigh, it’s the time of year when emotions are high, and words are few. It’s Taurus szn, which means my late mother’s birthday, followed by the anniversary of her passing, and immediately following it’s my late brother’s birthday.
Typically around this time of year, I like to stay BUSY and to myself. In the past 2-3 years, emotionally, I have been GREAT around this time of year (even in the pandemic – and I partially think it’s because I thought of how insanely stressful it would have been caring for an immunocompromised cancer patient during the most selfish years in modern-day American history). But this year feels different. I’ve been up to my neck in work, barely completing my daily tasks and really lacking the motivation to do or care about it.
I’ve found myself self-soothing by engrossing myself with television and binge-watching episodes of South Park.
Do you know there are so many episodes that I have been watching for weeks and still have hella to go? That’s crazy… but it’s been soothing to not think about any of the things that typically would stress me out about this time of year.
Like the fact that my mother is gone, she won’t be in attendance at my wedding or when I choose to have children. That my children will never have a chance to meet or dance with their maternal grandmother, or that I can’t just call her and ask her advice about business, work, or maintaining relationships. No hugs, I love yous, or celebrations of life & accomplishments. It’s tough.
It’s so scary to think that it’s been almost 13 years of really doing life without her. And as the years go on, I find myself inching closer to the destructive belief of “Well, if I can do like without the one person I thought I couldn’t do without… then I truly don’t need anyone.” And well, my psychologist is not a fan of that thinking.. and that’s probably why years later, we are still going around this merry-go-round because I just can’t let that belief go.
Anyways, I’ve also been coping by shopping a lot. I’ve become the new kingpin of SNKRS drops. Less than a year ago, I had no idea how to even do it or how it works, and now I’m scoring a new pair left & right. I’ll be opening up a shop to sell all the shoes I bought and never intend on wearing soon as the high wears off.
And then there’s pole dancing. I’ve found that I can completely go into a trance at dance and forget where I am, what I’m doing, and how long I’ve been doing it. I’ve loved dancing for as long as I can remember, and being able to express myself through dancing every week keeps me on the leveled side of sanity. The next step is buying a pole for my apartment!
Until next month, here’s to another small bit of my mind. Chat later.
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