In your reflection: A year of self-analysis

One thing we know for sure given the structure of life as we know it is that all things come and go in seasons.

That’s the reassurance of life. The ebbs and flows of the good and the bad and knowing that the season will change and that whatever is happening now won’t remain the same always.

This wasn’t always a belief I had, contrary to what many, and even myself, I find it fascinating to look at myself at times and see the vast difference in who I am versus who I “was”.

Growth is a real thing. It’s also a scary thing, and no matter how apprehensive we are to growth, one thing that always occurs regardless of if we are an active participant in it is change. We never actively question the changes that occur to us from a kid to an adolescent as we’re so excited to be “grown-up” but the minute we are said grown-up we second guess and scrutinize every single thing we do.

My introspective deep dives have always been home for me. When in a great mental space within myself those introspective dives produce the most riveting discoveries and life plans that have in turn ended up being the greatest moments of my life. However, in the moments when I’m not, those critical self-discoveries can become catastrophic.

My first deep dive was an intense experience after taking an edible in 2017 that was clearly too strong, but it took me to a place in my mind that I never visited and I had no idea that I would spend two years chasing shadows to reach the depths of that ocean I found myself swimming in. Each subsequent trip I took was fun, free-flowing, but as someone with a genetic makeup and history of addiction on both sides of the family… dabbling in marijuana and later into psychedelics proved that probing for the ocean was only leaving me out stranded on a long lost island within different parts of myself.

Shadow reflections are important because they allow you to analyze things after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20 and you’re more equipped with your version of the memory along with a bit more context or maturity as you revisit each memory for progressive growth.

It’s important to note that this work (using mind and mood-altering substances to enhance personal reflection) should and is often done in a therapeutic atmosphere with a therapist and a psychological team. I felt equipped to support myself through the deep dives because of the decade-long therapy sessions I’d had under my belt and my coping skills.

That was until I experienced an amazing Summer 2019 as a caregiver to my nephew, juxtaposed with a traumatic loss with a long time on and off ex-boyfriend, and a crossroads in my career that left me feeling unsupported, unwanted, devalued, unloved, and depleted.

Everything happened quickly like a light switch, just as quickly as we go to sleep and wake up… to find that the weather has changed and so has our mood.

Just months before I had been planning the trip I’d dreamed my entire life about. To travel to Paris, France. As I laid in bed squeamish, terrified for my best friend to press purchase on the tickets everything in my mind told me that the same little girl who couldn’t afford to go to Paris in middle school then, as a 29-year-old woman, couldn’t afford to go to Paris now. But that wasn’t necessarily true. I could hear my inner child telling the adult me that we couldn’t speak French well enough to anchor a non-french speaker in a foreign country. That I couldn’t afford to stay as long as we were. That I couldn’t afford to go and also travel to other countries while we were there. As I tell this story to you now, I’m appalled that I even spoke over myself in that manner, because all of those things may have been true, but the evidence never proved that if in fact, it were true, by the time we stepped foot on the flight that it would still be true.

It’s a shame the things we potentially miss out on by allowing the negative voices that shelter in our headspace to flourish without evidence.

To save you the novel that is forthcoming in #Lessonsfromthegrid, I took the plunge and went to Paris. But not before stripping myself of everything I was and believed.

When I first landed in a mental health facility I was depleted. I was completely unrecognizable to myself and others because my self-worth was tied up in my work, my relationship, and my value to others. I was disconnected from who I was, what I liked, and what I believed in. I had been in a relationship that had caged me in many ways that I found myself ignoring my own signs of exiting when I wanted to. Although we are great friends now, I had completely lost sight of who I was, and when I walked into that facility and cried on that day, I was grateful that we didn’t wait another day because it would have been too late.

I was a hollow shell, and I was convinced that I didn’t exist. Ultimately, I had explored so deeply inside of myself and seen things that I didn’t like that I disconnected. I no longer knew the person who existed before me and I needed help reconnecting myself to the vessel presented before me. And that required real work. Not just fancy quotes, and self-help books that tell you, “you rock,” but grueling work that tells you your name, your birth date, your DNA, your existence, who you are, and what you mean to yourself.

I disconnected myself from everyone I knew and I found that the “race back to me” began. It’s been a romantic journey learning my favorite foods, room temperatures, nail lengths, scents, sounds, movies, and more. It was even more grueling when the pace I found with professionals stifled the pace I found within myself and I ultimately learned that executive decision-making came along with the new version of finding myself.

Being comfortable with making difficult decisions and standing firm in the results of them without apologizing or cowering is true strength, and you’ll find it when you disconnect from the pack.

I found that strength when I discharged myself from an intensive mental health rehab program that personally, I felt was elementary for me. I’d done psychedelics and reached certain introspection levels during a panic attack in 2018 and we were discussing them during the most “difficult” portion of the treatment. I knew for me it was time to jump ship. So the day before Paris, feeling scared as hell – I went AWOL.

The first thing I saw when getting to Paris was the L’Arc de Triomphe. My co-traveler and I got lost, and I found myself in the middle of traffic trying to get across to the monument. I ran across traffic unbeknownst to me that there was an underground tunnel that got you to the attraction. It was the most riveting, impulsive, “my own choice to be made” thing I had done in 5 months. And at that moment, I knew I was one step back in my body.

I’d be lying if I told you that at that moment, everything finally felt perfect. No, throughout that trip, I still felt low. I had anxiety attacks, second-guessed myself, my abilities, my safety, and at times thought about stopping in the middle of traffic to let myself be pulverized by a truck. But the difference between my first day being in treatment and then was that I knew it was a fleeting feeling that didn’t belong nor was it welcome.

Not to be another American, “Paris stole my heart and made me feel alive” cliche story, but Paris helped bring me back to life. I made lifelong friends when I coupled up with a group of three black photographers who showed me around the streets of Paris in a full-day city excursion. (YES, It really was just like the movies) as we rode LIME scooters, took photos at monuments, ate food, and they taught me French obscenities.

I found that my apprehension of not being able to carry on French conversation fell right away as from nowhere I became a fluent French speaker.

The funds that I fearfully thought I wouldn’t have, appeared.

And being in a new environment, around new people, helped me bring home principles that I wanted to incorporate into the latest chapter of my life.

Be more present.

There’s a life outside of online. Live it. I’d found myself working so hard to keep up with the digital brands that I didn’t realize how engulfed I was in them. I was no longer curating them, they were curating me. I found that I wasn’t valuing the time offline and obsessing over the time spent online. I mean, I would spend more time online and on my phone than I did actually engaging in the real world. Gross.

Value time with your friends.

Although I admire and have always done things alone, it doesn’t mean that I always have to. There’s power in friendship and community. Build with those who are adamantly trying to build connections with you. Let down the walls and let people in. I enjoyed how everywhere I went, people were in pairs. When I hung out with the photographers in Paris they were astounded that my co-traveler and I split up for the trip. They constantly asked why we were going off on our own to explore. It’s been something that has stuck with me about the importance of friendship and companionship, and the difference between what I once valued and didn’t. Now, I don’t mind postponing or having a stomach growl for 30 extra minutes to wait for a friend for lunch, or waiting a week or more to explore an art exhibit or place that I really want to see.

You’re more than the work you do.

Once upon a time, I worked extremely hard just to get by. I’m no longer struggling to live. Now, I can just live. Once I realize that life is about ease and that I can unplug from the constant pressure of capitalism ringing in my mind, and appear valuable by way of the work I produce or do, is when I discover my true inner value.

Remember that you deserve everything and anything that appears before you.

Questioning what you receive means you doubt the work you’ve put in, even if you’ve had your head down so far that you don’t realize the amount of work you’ve done. You deserve everything that appears before you no matter how “too good to be true” it may appear.

Speaking negatively to yourself ends forever.

You’re always going to be the most hypercritical person in your room of you. Only you live in your body and witness everything that occurs 100% of the time. No more negative self-talk, ever. Criticism is tolerable but only if it is in a way that is shaping and evolving yourself for the better.

I wrote this list to myself after having one of the best vacations ever. I had never cried about leaving a place. I rediscovered purpose and kickstarted new principles that maybe I incorporated previously in my life however, I never fully explicitly followed with integrity.

A year later, I can look back and see progress. I see peace, tranquility, clarity, and abundance. I’ve experienced trauma collectively with the rest of the world by way of the pandemic, and personally through other events and still find myself abundantly centered, grounded, and supported. I can confidently say I’m happy, I’ve been able to make amends and reconnect with people who I’ve wronged and open pathways for communications with those who allow me.

All by way of reflection.