Dear Lo,
I’m 28, Black, and still living in the city I grew up in. I work full time, but between rent, groceries, and helping my family when they need it, I barely have anything left over. It feels like I’m always choosing between paying a bill on time or saying yes to a last-minute invite from friends.
I want to keep up my friendships, but sometimes I feel like I’m chasing people. I’m the one texting first, trying to set things up and then getting brushed off. I don’t want to seem desperate or like I have nothing going on, but I also don’t want to be left out.
On top of that, I keep telling myself I want to level up and work on myself. I want to be more cultured, feminine, confident, and just overall better but I don’t know where to start without a lot of money. I feel stuck between who I am now and who I want to be.
Am I trying to do too much at once? Or not enough at all and just spinning my wheels towards nowhere?
— Stuck in the Middle
Whew, Girl. First off, thanks for writing in & thanks for reading. I don’t take lightly anyone picking my brain, and asking little ol’ me for advice to navigate this interestingly difficult thing we call life! So, let’s get straight to it.
You’re not too much and you’re not, not enough. You’re human and the beautiful thing about being human is growing as you go. You are in that space where the next version of you is being born. So, now that we got that out the way, let’s start at the top.
Money: Protect Your Pockets Like You Protect Your Peace
You can’t pour into people on vibes alone when your bank account is whispering. Being intentional with your money isn’t being cheap—it’s being free. As much as it’s going to SUCK, you have to start saying NO. No to hang outs, no to sharing your money no matter how much you think you can spare, if you’re one emergency away from not having it.. YOU DON’T HAVE IT, and that’s OK! So let’s talk money prioritization.
Needs are your TOP priorities: SAVINGS, rent, groceries, bills, medical expenses, etc.
Nice-to-haves don’t come first. Set a small “yes” budget for fun. When it’s gone, time to tell folk “maybe next time”. If they can’t understand that, FUCK ‘EM. You can miss out on a few activities if that’s necessary to make sure you’re in a good place & comfortable.
(My extra bonus tip?) Find joy on the cheap! Whatever happened to friends just staying in drinking wine, talking shit while ya’ll chill on the couch? Or scroll social media while you have your feet kicked up with the girls.. instead of dinner out, try going to free museum entries, walk-and-talk dates with your friends, take advantage of free activities in the community, go to the park… It doesn’t always have to be about spending money, and if it is, it may be time to take a look at your relationship with consumption, and consider adopting my favorite saying, “If it’s FREE, it’s FOR ME.” and I MEAN THAT!
Friendships: You Don’t Need to Apply for a Role You Already Own
When you’re always initiating, it starts to feel like performance.
A friendship worth calling friendship meets you halfway without you having to prove yourself.
- Let people come to you sometimes.
- Calendar your own joy—even if you’re flying solo.
- Know who lifts you up and who drags you down. Guard your energy wisely.
- Remember, your value isn’t up for votes based on invites or responses.
- Don’t feel handcuffed to people or places just because of time invested.
Once you take time to evaluate your friendships, be open to having a conversation with people where you find disparities or misalignment. Approach the conversation with an open heart & compassion, and really take the time to effectively express your point. If you feel like you’re always reaching out, making plans, and not feeling it reciprocated then speak up and make that known. As long as you have an open heart, you will have an open mind to the outcome, even if the outcome is a pause or break in the connection.
Leveling Up: Build with Daily Drops, Not Grand Gestures
Leveling up doesn’t require a vacation or a designer glow-up. Growth is built in the small, intentional steps you take every single day.
- Learn for free: podcasts, books from your library, YouTube tutorials.
- Upgrade your space: a clean corner, a $5 plant, a candle that smells like ambition.
- Practice presence: journal, walk without headphones, cook something mindfully.
- Step into new spaces: free community events, workshops, volunteer opportunities—surround yourself with new energy & people.
Bottom Line
You’re not lost. You’re building. You’re not doing too much, you’re doing your best with what’s in front of you, and that is enough for this moment. Keep showing up for yourself in small, confident ways. Those micro-steps add up to big change as long as you continuously keep moving your feet. Oftentimes, we don’t notice the progress we make, because we are head down doing what we need to do, but when you take a moment to stop and take inventory of where you started, where you are and the route you’re going, you’ll realize the small steps are forward motion.
ALWAYS REMEMBER, You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You don’t need to dim your light to make space for others’ comfort.
You’re growing. And that’s powerful.
P.S. If you need a place to start with just personal rituals to connect with yourself, be more mindful & grounded, check out my post about my summer habits.
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