Trying to figure this sh*t out, but also realizing maybe there’s nothing to really understand?

Posted by Alicia Williams on

 

I'LL BE HONEST: MY MIND HAS BEEN EVERYWHERE LATELY. I've been back on meds for a little under 30 days. 

Highlights:

  • My thoughts are linear again
  • I'm no longer thinking 19748962987 thing a day and now I average about 25 thoughts a day
  • I've lost about 19 total pounds 

Lowlights:

  • I am one MOODY ASS BITCH - I mean I ask to speak to the manager EVERYWHERE I go.
  • I am irritated by the wind blowing my hair the wrong direction in my face
  • I'm hardly ever tired
  • I really don't care about ANYTHING.. Anything? Well, I take that back.. I don't care enough about anything to get SAD over. I only have three emotions.. happy, irate, and indifferent. No in between. 
  • I can't remember much of anything that anyone says to me as much as 10 minutes later. Extreme brain fog and confusion. Even the simplest recalls are difficult for me. 

You know that feeling when you going up the roller coaster and you bout to get that stomach drop and you have the butterflies.. that’s how I’ve been feeling... like an anticipation that something good is gonna come.. but I’m Just not sure what exactly.

 

Favorite songs at the moment for my dance parties

Ricky- Denzel Curry

New magic wand - Tyler, the Creator

Beef flomix- Flo milli

Clones - Tierra whack

BLEACH - Brock Hampton

Drug Dealer - Cuban Doll 

Ninety - Jaden

Cudi Montage - KIDS SEE GHOSTS

Bubbles - Jamila Woods

Snapped - Jhene Aiko

Afterglow - Phaeleh

Wifey - Qveen Herby

Stone Mountain - St. Beauty

Water Fall Out Of Love - Victoria Monet  

 

I’ve officially been away from work for two weeks and I can't say I feel like i've been "away from work" ya know? After the initial panic and anxiety (work PTSD) about not waking up every day to “go to work” I started to feel stir crazy and I realized that maybe capitalism had more of a choke hold on me than I realized. Because why is getting my mental together to be a productive member of society making me feel so guilty? Possibly because in life we are conditioned to believe that you have to suck it up and keep moving. Like oh yeah, you are in such a fucked up space but this work needs to be done so put that personal bullshit aside and forget about it and get this work that is more important than your life and well being done. Isn't that so fucked up when you think about it that way?

 

The FMLA/STD portion of it all has been difficult and honestly a big mind fuck. Where was the mental health disability for dummies handbook before I came off the job? I'm sure even with that resource it wouldn't make this process smoother, hell Idk, I don't trust any organized system if we're honest because nothing honors the person, yet always protects the "entity".  My psychiatrist has provided everything to the case worker that is required but it almost feels as if you have to slit your neck open and deliver the paperwork sealed with your fresh blood first before they believe that you actually have a mental health condition. And that’s how we treat people with “invisible” disabilities in America today, especially mental illnesses. Sick world.

I recall someone telling my co-worker because I was posed in a photo in the middle of the ocean that I was “living my best life”.. I mean if you’re able to go on “vacation” then you definitely can go to work for 40 hours a week, right? Because from the outside looking in, doesn’t look like anything is wrong with you.. but was I supposed to tell him that just 10 minutes before I had a melt down/anxiety attack because I was convinced a random stranger in the water was coming to rape me and that I almost drowned because I couldn’t get myself to do the very thing my brain knows to do naturally, breathe? Or that the next day in that same beach water I convinced myself that life would be better if I just went underwater and never came back up? Or that every day before bed the thought of not waking up the next day is more enticing than going to sleep that night? Hashtag goals right? Cardi b’s best life, huh?

It really makes me wonder why as people we project our own beliefs upon others without ever understanding what could remotely be going on inside their mental.

Paranoia. Lack of sleep. Suicidal thoughts. Mood swings. Depression. Extreme happiness. Confusion. Memory loss. Irritability. Instability. 

Living my best life.

But I still remain optimistic banging out 100% $300 copays to my psychiatrist biweekly while my LOA case worker reads through my private case notes to decide whether or not she believes my mental stability is worthy enough to pay out my short term disability fund. I've found solace in the midst of my constant brain fog and confusion by surrounding myself in the people and things I'm rooted in. Traveling back to my hometime to be around friends I grew up with, cuddling on the couch with my nephew watching scary shows on Netflix, re-reading my favorite books and being surprised at parts of the book that I don't recall being there the first go round. 

There's something about those silver linings....

1 comment


  • Thank you for being transparent! Thank you for speaking up and speaking out on what it’s like to suffer from mental illness in America. Stories like yours need to be told because I’m sure it echoes the cries of many others who suffer from mental illness. People want to act as though mental illness isn’t real if you’re not climbing the walls, rocking back and forth, hearing voices (and answering said voices) or if your physical appearance isn’t in total disarray. I admire you for this! I love you! Keep fighting!

    Sharon on

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