"Life happened and made you grow up faster than everyone else."
Those words always seem to haunt me in every interaction, relationship, and even friendships; I'm often told, "wow, you're so mature, and advanced" .. compared to other people my age.
My mother ended her fight with cancer months before my 20th birthday. I had just finished my freshman year of college and had been travelling up and down the highway completing summer courses to rehab my piss poor GPA.
As long as I can remember, I had a plan in life. In high school, I never thought I would finish and NOT go to college. I was always concerned with where I was going to college as opposed to if I was going to college.
My friends tell me that's where I always differed from the pack. We all grew up in not so lavish and plush atmospheres, most of us living at or below the poverty line, but somehow I never truly saw that image until high school.
My plans were simple. Go to college, finish college. Write books. Live the good life. I knew I had a talent, and I knew I wanted nothing more than to live out my life, doing that talent forever. Seems simple right?
I'd been sharing excerpts from my upcoming release, "Soul Kisses", which is filled with quotes, and short stories where I share lessons learned from life, love and relationships.
Each story recalling the explicit details of love, happiness, growth, pain, trauma, and heartbreak. Very robust, non-static stories, that detailed emotions.. conversations and real life moments.
One story, which until recent I held closest to my heart, because I truly believed that the words written, would somehow reinforce the feelings I felt, and somehow bring the universe into balance.
I'd shared the excerpt, and he immediately reached out. Something that by now I was so used to. We always played this never-ending game of ping pong with one another.. I'm almost ashamed to say it, but for 9 years we continued this cycle.
My friends follow his social media so there was always two sides.
We'd say I love you. Kiss. Then share our souls with one another as we stayed up countless nights through the wee hours of the night discussing our fears, goals, feelings and having sex.
He was the one person I wanted to try everything in life with. He was so serious about church and his faith, that I wanted to be serious about church, God and my faith walk. He saved money and lived frugally, so I wanted to save money and live modestly as well.
I genuinely wanted to make myself a better woman, for not only myself, but for him and I and the future I truly saw for us.
It was like a never ending cycle, year by year. We'd talk I'd pour my heart out to him. We'd kiss. Make love, cuddle and he'd say so much then disconnect. I'd cut him off and stop talking to him for months as I nursed my broken feelings and bruised ego, only for him to call or message me to say, "I was just thinking of you. Hope all is well, I love you." Then we'd continue this dance again.
I started sharing my frustrations with my friends as they would respond, "Alicia, he has a girlfriend," where I would reply "No way he does after the night we had together." only for them to pull out a social media post of his smiling with a new girl, and I respond with messages, and videos of us from the night before.
In hindsight, I was silly, in harsher terms, i was dumb as fuck, to believe that anything would ever come from all of this.
But I guess this year was different.
" Me saying I love you was real. Despite what I was doing, you mattered to me. It got to a point where I know you wanted more with us and that made me uncomfortable. Even when it came time for you to move to Atlanta, it was all uncomfortable. I felt like you moving would alleviate some of the pressure I felt." The message read.
I couldn't believe my eyes.. because after all these years of silent words and loud actions, the puzzle pieces were finally coming together.
"I was uncomfortable because I got to a point where the feelings you had for me was identical to the feelings I had for you...You're so ambitious ... committing to you was scary. You were all in and I hadn't truly found myself... I felt like I would've slowed you down. I didn't want that for you. Your ambition is well beyond mine." the message continued.
I felt my emotions begin to shut down. Moods swaying from relief, to joy, to sadness, to anger in ten minute's time.
For nine years, I chased someone willing to bet that his actions and words would soon align. Trusting that with time, he'd finally pull it together and do what I felt we both wanted. But i never had the words, reinforcing and stating clearly what any of this ever was.
Until now. Nine years later.
He added, "I've been seeing someone.."
My heart sank.. because it was the same old song, all over again. But this time the loop was broken. I needed to disrupt this never ending cycle, and reclaim my life, my love, my heart and my sanity.
Would I engage in yet another year of waiting/chasing a man who up until now I had really no concrete evidence of their feelings? Or should I let it all go for what it's been.
When we saw one another it was heavy. I knew what my gut was telling me, and i could feel the part of my soul where I allowed his occupancy start to dissolve. I no longer felt this feeling of sadness.. it was more of a rage. How dare you feel this way for all these years yet never fully have the balls to say something?
I asked him what the ideal situation would be for him. As usual he responded, I can't imagine ever in life losing you. I don't want to ever feel like I can't talk to you, or support you.
But now it was my turn to reclaim the full power over my feelings. And through watering eyes, I told him, "As much as this hurts, and it feels like I'm carving a piece of my heart out.. because I do feel like you're my soulmate.. but It's been too long of the same thing. I can't be friends with someone who I love so deeply. It's not fair to me. So this is it. I'm going to block you on social media, via phone, and anything else.. I never want to speak to you again in my life."
The tears began to fall as I immediately felt the urge to say, no.. I take that back. But I had to stand firm behind my word, and what I believe is true.
Depending on how you flip the coin you may see both sides..
nine years is a long time. Almost a lifetime in millennial time.. nine years as friends and secret moonlight lovers.. how dare I let this go..
nine years is a long time. Almost a lifetime in millennial time.. nine years as friends and secret moonlight lovers.. how dare I continue to play this game of immaturity and neglect? if something hasn't harvested in 9 years, don't you think that's all the messaging you truly need?
I'll say the later.. because nine years of no harvest is indeed a drought. A drought breeds nothing but dead land.. and so it be.